Potential Future Headlines
Opposite extremes on any spectrum allow us to hypothesise ideologically motivated pursuits to their crescendos. A 'light-hearted' look ahead at what may or may not come to pass...
1st December 2023, The Propaganda Post
Saving The Unvaccinated From Themselves
Our esteemed new leader pledged to get the job done, after ‘soft-touch’ Ardern threw in the towel, leaving a questionable number of vaccine hesitant individuals evading the authorities’ care. Some conspiracy theorists took to Twitter to smear Chris Hipkins, insinuating that the unvaccinated will be ‘hunted down’. Hipkins is the beating heart of New Zealand, and only wishes to offer life-saving vaccines to every Man, Woman, and child across the nation.
Unconfirmed reports claim that Hipkins has authorised the sourcing of unvaccinated individuals, deploying state of the art gun-net-catchers for a contactless method of apprehending the most at-risk and vulnerable members of our community. Below is unconfirmed footage of police cadets training with these non-lethal resources, because nobody is safe until everybody is safe.
4th January 2024, The Heresy Herald
Mercenaries Defend Moderna Manufacturing Site
Ever since the Morrison government became an exemplary leader on the world stage in how to balance human rights and freedoms with pandemic responsiveness, we at the Heresy Herald have been saying that our government has simply not taken measures far enough.
We can all recount the emotionally memorable day when Morrison announced the vaccine drive.
Since then I think we can speak for everyone when we say how ecstatic we have been in anticipation of the Moderna mRNA factory being built on Australian soil, in the state of Victoria. As that day draws closer, there has been an interesting development at the construction site for the plant, with reported clashes between antivaxxers and Moderna mercenaries, coined by the associated press to be ‘Moderna Mercs’.
In spite of our ongoing pro-vaccine stance at this newspaper, we do wish to allow both sides of the argument to be heard, in the interests of salvaging our declining readership (due to a 25% reduction in global population as a result of climate change). We also see this as an opportunistic pressure release valve tactic to appease the public; just in case we were completely wrong about absolutely everything for the past four years.
Unaccredited journalists caught up with the antivax protesters at the site:
Reporter:
“Can I ask why you have all turned out here today in the hundreds of thousands to protest the construction of the Moderna mRNA manufacturing facility?”
Protester:
“The evidence that these so-called ‘vaccines’ are extremely harmful is now incontrovertible. I remember in January 2023 when the excess death rate around the world was at 35%, I think it is much higher now. This is genocide and we are here to stop it on Australian soil.”
The reporters also engaged with one of the Moderna Mercs:
Reporter:
“What is the main driving force behind you and your associates being here today voluntarily, as a heavily armed militia, defending Moderna’s position, brand, assets, property, and employees?
Merc:
“We simply reject any scientific data claiming the vaccines are dangerous, especially the use of the word ‘empirical’ which is just a social construct. We believe in Moderna, we are loyal to the brand. We will be rewarded by becoming the first augmented, advanced Transhumans, and we will be validated in time.”
Unverified and unconfirmed footage surfaced of a skirmish between the two polarising groups:
25th July 2024, The Menticide Times:
IOC Bans Vitamins as Performance Enhancing Drugs
In a long expected and highly praised move, the International Olympic Committee has unanimously voted to ban various vitamins and supplements for the upcoming competition. The announcement, made just 24 hours ahead of the games commencing, has come as a ‘shock’ to some rulebreakers.
The non exhaustive list of now banned PEDs includes Vitamin D, Zinc, Quercetin, Vitamin C and Cumin seeds. We welcome the rationale and prevailing sanity amidst this decision, as for too long, these ‘vitamins’ have been weaponised by right wing conspiracy theorist athletes, who have strong ties to domestic terrorist cells.
The ‘healthy living’ lifestyle has also radicalised a fringe minority, who believe that good health comes from eating well, exercise, and getting the right nutrients.
Those of us living in team reality know that health comes from a needle, and mRNA injections are the only way forward if we are to survive as a species.
26th January 2025, The Daily Fail
Playful Pfizer Commercial Teases mRNA Immortality
In pharma we trust. Give us this day our daily meds, forgive us for not staying up to date with our boosters, and deliver us from antivaxxers.
The marketing teams at Pfizer have really knocked it out of the park this time. Unconfirmed leaked audio from a reportedly forthcoming commercial for the new myocarditis vaccine, has inspired patriots to potentially gain immortality from the mRNA elixir.
Unverified leaked audio:
There has been outrage from the anti-science community (currently housed in FEMA camps throughout the country). These second-class, former citizens, are concerned over the quickly spoken disclaimer at the end of the commercial, citing mild cardiac arrest and sudden death as possible side effects of the vaccine.
We, at the Daily Fail, consider those risks worth taking, and we trust that you do too.
Nicholas Creed is a Bangkok-based journalistic dissident and occasional songwriter. If you liked this content and wish to support the work, buy him a coffee or consider a crypto donation:
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