Overcoming Addiction: A Path to Well-Being
Light and dark. Day and night. Escapism and introspection. Temptation and contentment.
[Note from TriTorch: When my family broke apart eight years ago, I started drinking alcohol for the first time in my life (Nicholas did not know this). So, ironically, when graciously agreed to do this guest post, he offered two options for topics and I chose this one with great interest . What I did not realize was how powerful his testimony would be, and for me - a broken man who for the past 8 years has been viewing the world through a progressively unfocusing haze as all that I love has been carried away due to my inability to escape this gravity well - his breathtaking journey of first falling into and then rising above addiction could not have come at a better time because in the here and now I find myself at the lowest point of my life. Nicholas brings me much hope in this resonating masterpiece, because if he can do it, maybe I can as well. Please share this with anyone you know suffering from the horrors of substance abuse.]
I have toyed with writing this piece for a while. I had been reluctant to write something that might sound preachy, or as a one-template-fits all-circumstances. This subject matter can only ever be deeply personal, if it is not to be addressed as psycho-babble, self-help prose. I will tell you my story of addiction, which peaked in 2020-2021 at the height of the scamdemic and all the misery that came with it. I imagine many others suffering worldwide also turned to self-destructive habits out of desperation, despair, and the longing for escapism from such a cruel reality.
I am certain there are untold numbers of people suffering from their addictions, perhaps borne out of the tyrannical twenty-twenties, or maybe pre-existing yet noticeably exacerbated. For many souls, the vicious cycle of self-inflicted addiction routinely works out as two steps forward / three steps back. Breaking bad habits then forming good habits takes a great measure of concerted effort. For when the external stimuli and escapism are withdrawn, there is a void to fill. Making peace with inner reflection over outward distraction is the greatest challenge I found, when recovering both my sense of mental and physical well-being.
Ultimately, everybody’s addictions are situational specific. I hope that some degree of positive actions, ideas, and healthy productive habits may be gleaned from my story for the readers; especially those directly or indirectly affected by addiction.
My special thanks are given to TriTorch for reaching out and asking if I would like to write a guest post here for the wonderful readership community of Out Here On The Perimeter.
Nightscape
Like all major cities around the world, Bangkok is filled with many different worlds which are self-contained within its city limits. Accessing these worlds is dependent on entertainment and leisure time preferences, willpower, mood, disposable income, and peer group. Feeling fresh and sober whilst walking through one of the city’s magnificent parks at sunrise, whilst listening to the melodic music of birdsong is truly wonderful. Alternatively, hearing birds chirping at dawn following a night of hard drinking and substance abuse used to strike terror into my heart, leading to crippling anxiety. When sleep does not come, yet there are errands to run and work to be done, the daylight would bring a harsh reality that bites.
The dazzling neon lights of bars and clubs illuminating the bustling streets of central Bangkok blend into a hedonistic, thumping nightlife that never sleeps. Most bars would close at 2am, although I always had the option of visiting the dangerous mafia-run clubs that raged on until 8am or even later (earlier?). The transition from alcohol-fueled nights to cocaine happened slowly, gradually, then all at once. Almost like a mirrored parallel of the what was happening around the world, as the brakes on lockdowns were pumped and released, along with the tightening vice-grip of totalitarianism. The nightlife largely stayed open throughout 2020-2021, except for a few periods of government-imposed curfews. Then we would have house parties, and still the drugs flowed.
I could never pinpoint when or how we had normalized drug taking as being socially acceptable, as part and parcel of virtually any night out. There came a point when we collectively agreed it was getting out of hand, and we voted to stop. That lasted for a while...
I knew it was becoming a bigger problem for myself, as it was also becoming a private indulgence at home. I was going to great lengths to conceal the habit from my then-girlfriend (now wife). I had also supplemented the cocaine habit with crushed up Ritalin (Methylphenidate), and I was taking Valium (Diazepam) in order to sleep - an extremely dangerous combination, on top of the alcohol. I would regularly get heart palpitations - I am not C19 injected.
Dayscape
My job had become 100% work from home, which I then quit in 2021. The days were a washout. Festering, with curtains drawn, only venturing out to the lobby of my condominium building to collect food deliveries. I knew that I had to reverse this course of action, as I could end up in jail, or I would simply not wake up one day.
The first action I took was to completely stop drinking alcohol, as I recognized that as the obvious trigger to want to go harder with the drugs, and to continue the night onwards into the early hours. I began to recover my fitness, which gave me an added incentive to not stay out too late, as I always planned to exercise in the mornings. I learned to appreciate the benefits of meditation, to slow the mind, to observe intrusive, unwanted thoughts - rather than attaching to them. I saw that wallowing in self pity and finding excuses to justify the previously destructive behaviour was all on me. I could not lay the blame at anyone else’s feet.
I began to get back into sports, even entering competitions and tournaments around Thailand. It gave me purpose and a focus to stay healthy.
Relapse
After a night out that started off innocuously enough, I risked a couple of drinks, which turned into a couple more, and before I knew it the drugs were flying around, by my own doing. The relapse period lasted a couple of months. I justified it to myself as a coping mechanism, because I had been so devastated to find out that 100% of my family and most of my friends had been C19 injected. I hadn’t seen my family in a few years with all the travel restrictions. In reality, it was the worst type of mental gymnastics - self pity combined with a twisted form of reward to endure the suffering.
It was just another set of excuses I had latched onto in my head, to carry on the habit.
I began to talk to another friend about the problem, as he was in an even worse way than I was. We agreed to talk each other out of buying a bag - whenever the urge arose, we called one another. That worked surprisingly well.
Fine tuning
The more I prioritized my health, exercise routine, and sporting commitments, the less likely I was to slip up. I trained my mind to focus on the foreknowledge of how terrible I would feel the next morning - if I was tempted to do drugs. I felt a great sense of achievement when resisting the temptation, as my mornings were filled with peaceful meditation, exercise, and the great outdoors. As I returned to work, I became much more productive, motivated, and driven. I imagined the ‘sliding doors’ of other bad choices I could have made on any given evening. I finally came clean to my wife about the drug problem and she was very supportive in helping me make better choices.
Talking to my wife about it was the greatest relief, after so much secrecy and shame on my part. I should have talked to her much sooner.
As my lifestyle became more geared towards being healthy, I found that whenever I did have an alcoholic drink, my quality of sleep would be terrible - waking up multiple times in the night and feeling lethargic the next morning. I can still enjoy the occasional drink without it triggering a desire to do drugs. I now drink very infrequently, such as on special occasions around birthdays or new year celebrations. Alcohol no longer gives me the same buzz that it used to, and I now see it as a poison, and an absolute depressant in large quantities.
The clear-headedness I have gained from sleeping well, eating healthily, exercising regularly, and meditating daily, gives me a long lasting low-level euphoria that exceeds any serotonin hit that I used to get from synthetic drugs. I still enjoy meeting friends in bars and sometimes clubs, as we enjoy listening to live music DJ sets. I usually drive, and I have a great time without feeling the need to drink or do drugs. I see half of the dancefloor’s inhabitants swaying all around me with their sunglasses on, hiding black dilated pupils as they chew their faces off, completely drug-addled. I have left that world behind, yet it still exists in the background on the nightlife scene. I enjoy the music, the company of my friends, then I get to make sure they all get home safely as I drop everybody off at their homes around Bangkok.
I am happy to play the role of sober patrol, as my friends joke.
Save for the weekend, I sleep by 9pm and wake at 6am. I stretch, meditate, drink black coffee and eat some fruit then go to the local park to workout. That is another world to be discovered by all. A huge community of people jogging and using outdoor gymnasiums exists in every park in Bangkok from dawn until dusk.
I much prefer living my life in this space instead of from dusk ‘til dawn.
If you are living in a darker reality of addiction, know that there are other worlds than this. You can access them, but you need to first effect change for yourself. People will help you. You just have to talk to them first before they can help you. Nobody needs to go it alone. It is never too late to find the path to well-being.
Good luck.
Nicholas Creed is a Bangkok-based writer. Follow Creed Speech on Substack. All content is free for all readers, with nothing locked in archive that requires a paid subscription. Any support is greatly appreciated.
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I am glad to know that this resonates with so many of you, and I am sorry to hear of your suffering. May you all find better days ahead.
If we are all to be fully truthful with ourselves, we are all addicts of one thing or another. That is, habits we have that are NOT productive. Spending too much time on social media instead of exercising. "retail therapy". chocolate. And then beating up on ourselves and using that as an excuse to not do something different. Where the line crosses from 'diversion' to pathology is likely different for each person. But it starts with giving yourself some grace, and for me at least, letting go and letting God in. There is a peace in knowing that God loves us even in our brokenness, and that is one toehold that keeps me out of a doom loop. This is why I love Spring. I am 'forced' to spend hours and hours in my yard, cleaning out the dead stuff, pulling the weeds, and planting stuff in the hopes of new growth. Digging in the dirt, listening to the birds, the sun on my back is fuel to move towards a better place, and towards hope over despair. Find a new place to renew, and I pray you find your fuel.