Covid cases detonate variant bomb as Bangkokians are instructed to remain terrified
A satirical piece inspired by local 'news'
A satirical piece inspired by local 'news'
A junior employee for the Ministry of Truth was secretly filmed divulging some interesting nuggets of information, when his tongue loosened up after drinking SangSom Thai rum for 72 hours straight during Songkran - the Thai new year festival just gone.
Here is part of the exchange from our source:
Reporter: “The PCR test used to detect cases has been criticised by some experts, who say it shouldn’t be used to diagnose illnesses, as it could detect any virus in the person’s system from decades ago, never mind the fact that Covid has never been isolated. What is your opinion on this and what is the usual PCR cycle threshold used by the Ministry?”
Employee: “Hahaha, we actually make a game out of this by spinning a wheel and throwing the interns at the board! The numbers on the board go up to 50. Guaranteed cases = guaranteed compliance. It’s something of a sport amongst our execs these days!”
Elsewhere, according to an unnamed source at the ministry, plans were afoot to unveil an intravenous drip booster, allowing worried citizens to be continuously boosted 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - just in case.
Lawsuits are being threatened against 711 by some of the big pharma players in the industry, after rumours circled on anti-social media that the convenience store franchise was planning on releasing their own mRNA elixir, called ‘7vax’ - including seven boosters in one shot, aimed at bringing the anti-vax / vax-hesitant / domestic extremist demographic up to speed.
Dr Baffledawan from the Ministry of Love, reported that the new sub-variant of Omicron, named the T.r.o.l.l.1ng.U variant could have a 100% gullibility rate, but it is not a variant of concern just yet. The good doctor released a short statement to the state protectorates associated press:
“This variant causes every symptom of every known ailment ever discovered by mankind. If you have an itchy chin, feel hot, sweat, or find yourself drinking lots of water, then you almost certainly have been infected by T.r.o.l.l.1ng.U.
Get boosted now. Stay masked, especially whilst driving your car alone, as this variant can be transmissible just from making eye contact with other drivers. Thank you for your cooperation. Together, we will beat Covid!”
The World Homicide Organisation (WHO) praised the efforts of Thailand in beating back the virus again and again, releasing a statement on their website:
Thailand has done exceptionally well in controlling the populace without brute force intervention. The propaganda has been so effective, that we have been redirecting stockpiles of unused mRNA shots from all over the world, just to cope with the relentless local demand for more boosters.
Maintaining forest fires and rampant field burning from January through April has been a stroke of genius on behalf of the government. It means that people have an excuse to stay masked all year round, even during the hot season in 45 degrees Celsius heat. We encourage this exemplary approach, and hope that the government moves to re-criminalise facial-nudity by the end of 2023.
Nicholas Creed is a Bangkok-based journalistic dissident. If you liked this content and wish to support the work, buy him a coffee or consider a crypto donation:
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Half of this doesn't even seem like satire. It wouldn't surprise me if the government was encouraging the field burnings that are leading to all of the pollution. More likely they are encouraging it by making sure farmers have subsistence wages at best. Asking them to triple labor costs while lowering production levels probably doesn't go over well with them....