A Day in the Life of Normie McNarrative
A Day in the Life of Normie McNarrative
The new conspiracy theorist
Meet Normie McNarrative, a consumer of pure, uncut, nonstop legacy media. Normie believes everything he reads from the BBC, especially the articles with no sources that refer to uncited nameless “experts”…
Normie wakes up and opens his laptop to trawl the latest ‘news’ from the Big Brother Corporation, The Daily Fail, and The Facadian. He learns that the increase in ambulance callouts during the UK’s heatwave were due to people suffering from heatstroke and subsequent cardiac related problems; undoubtedly due to climate change.
Normie makes a mental note to update his profile picture on the anti-social media platforms accordingly.
Normie notices a non peer-reviewed piece endorsed by a health body with no named authors, that casually mentions how unjected people who’ve had COVID are more likely to have heart inflammation, shrinking brains, and permanently scarred lungs.
He sends a quick message to his unjected friends to inform them of this worrying development, and suggests they could join him for the September booster program, and even offers to register his friends ahead of time, so they can receive their first dose of the sacred elixir.
Normie rushes to the local general practitioner surgery for his 8am doctor’s appointment after a six week wait. He’s been patient, understanding, and supportive of the telemedicine drive, and doesn’t want to overburden the health services.
Yet a few minor health issues have prompted the need for an in-person face-to-face appointment with the doctor.
After a short two hour wait over his appointed timeslot, Normie is ushered into room one (of two) where Dr. Baffled is waiting.
Doc: “Good morning Normie, it’s great to see you again. I hope you’ve been staying safe. What seems to be the matter with you today?”
Normie: “Well Dr. Baffled, I hate to be a nuisance and cause a fuss over what’s probably nothing, but I’ve had a strange irregular heartbeat during exercise, it feels like palpitations, along with shortness of breath and dizziness. I am a bit worried…could it be to do with climate change perhaps?”
Doc: *Proceeds to listen to Normie’s breathing pattern and heartbeat with stethoscope*
“I see, things do seem somewhat irregular there. It seems highly likely that the heatwave has exacerbated your long COVID, causing these health complaints.”
*Quietly opens a vaccine adverse reaction report card online*
“I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about Normie, just lay off intensive exercise for a while, then come back and see me if these issues persist, and we can potentially book you in for an electrocardiogram at the local hospital.”
Normie: “Thank you so much Dr. Baffled, you always placate me with a reasonable, logical, easily explainable, and non threatening diagnosis every single time! I’m glad there are doctors like you keeping people safe.”
Doc: *Looks away awkwardly, avoiding eye contact with Normie*
“Um, yeah, don’t mention it. I took the hippocratic… I mean, just let me know if things get worse Normie, ok. And remember to stay safe.”
Normie: “Stay safe, we are in this together. Nobody is safe until everybody is safe.”
Normie walks from the doctor’s surgery to the underground mass transit station, bumping into a few colleagues on the platform. He sighs as he notices ‘tinfoil Tom’, as they always clash on just about everything.
Normie exchanges elbow bumps with his colleagues, and pretends not to see tinfoil Tom holding out a fist bump, so leaves him hanging. They board the train and Tom immediately challenges the group on why they are wearing masks.
“Just because it isn’t a rule anymore, it doesn’t mean it’s safe. The BBC said Omicron sub-variants BA.4 and BA.5 are spreading like wildfire. I wear my mask to protect everyone else, and to be polite and to not offend anyone else. It’s just a mask, it’s like wearing a hat. This is the new normal”, Normie opined.
“How do you think it makes me feel, surrounded by faceless people wearing masks and visors, even my own friends and colleagues, when I am literally the only person on this train showing my face, and breathing freely. Did you ever think that you wearing the mask might offend or intimidate me, or give me anxiety?”, Tom lashed back.
The group fell silent as Normie pulled out his phone to open a new group chat without tinfoil Tom, suggesting to the others that they file a complaint with HR once at the office. Tom has been threatening and harassing them, they don’t feel safe, and petition for Tom to work from home indefinitely. The others agree unanimously.
Arriving at the office, the group performs the social distancing circle of trust ritual, before making a beeline for the staff canteen for a quick breakfast.
They sit down on a large table, that is safely partitioned with plexiglass, because COVID. Normie grumbles about the company no longer providing free hand sanitiser, and suggests they want a super-spreader event.
Normie tunes into an interesting conversation on the next table about how right wing extremists have joined together to form separate terrorist cells across Europe, from the Netherlands to Belgium and more recently, in Germany. Apparently there are a handful of farmers and truckers terrorising the citizens, and trying to overthrow their governments by force.
Normie kicks Tom under the table to deter him from entering the conversation, as Tom shifts his weight, clearly eager to interject…
“Sorry to interrupt here guys, but you’ve got this all wrong. The Netherlands is Europe’s biggest exporter of food, and their Prime Minister Mark Rutte is completely beholden to the world economic forum. Rutte is following Agenda 2030 and wants to cut nitrogen emissions by 30% across the Netherlands, introducing legislation for farmers that make it economically unviable to f…”
“Tom, for heaven’s sake, can we have a normal breakfast without your rants about the illuminati for once, please”, interrupted Normie. The group sniggers.
“Let me finish. During these uncertain economic times, the prices of fertiliser are skyrocketing, global droughts are diminishing crop yields, and there is a general scarcity of food. As this is happening, the Netherlands government is forcing farmers out of business, paying farmers not to farm, and creating an environment whereby governments have a total centralised control over the food supply. Does that not concern you in the slightest?”, Tom shot back.
“Firstly, I haven’t read any of the gibberish you are blathering on about from the BBC, so it is clearly misinformation. It doesn’t even come up on an internet search, so we know you are lying again, Tom. Secondly, why should I care about farmers and truckers, when I can buy all my food from the supermarket?!”, Normie smugly replied.
Tom pulls out his phone to show the group footage of the protests in Germany:
Tom is met with total silence from the group, their bodies twitching, their eyes blinking, followed by blank catatonic stares.
“What’s for dessert?”, Normie excitedly asks the group.
Nicholas Creed is a Bangkok-based journalistic infidel impervious to propaganda. If you liked this content and wish to support the work, buy him a coffee or consider a crypto donation:
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Normie deserves his own sitcom on British television, like the new Mr. Bean or something, just sicker and more retarded.